I’m being me

I took a break from blogging for a while because a very bad man threatened to sue me, and I went through a lot of very bad things that made me believe there was no point whatsoever in writing. When you’re a writer and that happens, it’s very, very sad. I felt like a part of my soul was ripped away.

I’d love to say that I feel better about everything that happened with that very bad man, about trying to find love, about the 20 or 30 first dates I’ve had this year, about the three times I was stood up this summer by three different men, about having to pull out of a marathon at mile 22 and my cat getting $1100 of sickness and blowing a tire on my car and about what feels like a string of horribly bad luck. But I don’t feel better. I feel sad and angry sometimes. I think I got dealt a bad hand. I think I deserve just one good thing to happen so that I can feel hopeful.

But I don’t think the world works that way — I don’t think we deserve good things or bad things. I don’t think things just happen to us. I think the decisions we make and the people we interact with and our attitudes and thoughts all come together to create the lives we live, and that means if you don’t like what’s happening, you can change it.

Today is my half birthday. Six months ago on my whole birthday, I heard “This’ll Be My Year” by the band Train, and I thought, “Yeah, maybe this will be my year… to finally fall in love, to be my best self, to run a 4:30 marathon…” Turns out that the first six months of my 42nd year have not turned out at all the way I might have hoped they would. I was lied to by a man I loved more than any man I’ve ever known. I had my heart broken badly. I now have a disease that I will have forever, one that most partners will not be willing to accept.

But maybe this IS my year…to learn how much I can really take before I break, to become closer to my family and friends, to find new definitions of love, to ask for help, to give to others, to be grateful for life’s lessons, to run a 4:30 marathon.

This is my year to be me, the me that wants very much to be in love with and to be loved by another — not because I feel incomplete or worthless without a partner but because I love how it feels to be in a partnership and because I believe we were meant to be in partnership with others and because I believe with all my heart that I will be an excellent partner to the right person.

This is my year to be the creative me, the writer and the seamstress. This is my year to be the me who understands and accepts  the good and the not-so-good parts of herself. This is my year to take on challenges and become stronger and smarter and awesomer.

Thank you to my friends and family who have prayed for me and sent me good vibes and encouraged me to write. Thank you for a CD of break-up songs. Thank you for a tin of cookies. Thank you for a text message asking if I needed anything. Thank you for taking care of Peanut and Melvin.

Thanks for loving me when I didn’t always love me.


One thought on “I’m being me

  1. Nancy

    Very well written. I know we don’t really talk very much but I am always watching to see how you are doing. I’m sorry about all of the bad stuff that has happened to you this year. I know it sucks, there isnt really anything else to say beyond that except that if you need anything I am here in the background watching and waiting with a hug if you need it.

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