Archive | March, 2017

Trying to get a date

25 Mar

The dating pool seems to have dried up for this girl. *frowny face*

emptypool2

Almost every day I send a message or ten to different fellas on the dating site. They are always witty and in reference to something the guy wrote on his profile. It is rare that I get a response.

And every three or four days, a guy sends me a one-word message. “Hi.” Really? I’m not worth a few syllables? I could be the love of your damn life, and that’s all you got? I finally changed my mail settings so new messages to me have to be at least 50 characters. That’s less than a tweet, for crying out loud.

Recently I had a couple of decent phone conversations with a bald-headed, tattooed drummer who lives an hour away from me. In our first conversation, he asked me if I liked intimacy. As my friend, Darin, says, “They tell you what you need to know.” I wasn’t listening.

He invited me to come down and listen to him play a show at a bar on a Saturday night. I usually am in bed by 9:30, and I wasn’t super excited about sitting alone in a bar (I don’t drink alcohol or soda, for that matter) waiting to talk to him between sets, but I was like YOLO. Then on the Thursday before, at 9:00 p.m., he texted me and said I should come watch a movie with him. At his house. On a school night. I was like, “I’m already in my pajamas” and after I fell asleep he texted again and said, “If you had left when I texted you, you’d be here by now.”

The next day I realized he was asking for Netflix and chill. So we didn’t meet.

I also have been texting with a bald-headed IT guy who is a runner (JOY!), but he just got out of a serious relationship and doesn’t want to date. Secretly I hope I’ll be cool enough for him to change his mind, but it’s a waste of my good, sexy energy to hope for that.

I just really want to have a date, like go out for coffee or food–preferably food–and have a lively and engaging conversation about topics that are more interesting than the weather. That’s all. Instead, it’s Saturday night and I’ll be doing laundry and watching “Iron Fist” with Melvin.

Advertisements

Becoming THAT person

17 Mar

In a few days, I will wrap up my first Whole30. I have been eating better in the last few weeks than I ever have in my life. I eat delicious, nutrient-dense, unprocessed foods, and I eat A LOT of them. While I am not yet sleeping well (a benefit I hoped to enjoy), I have more energy and have lost several pounds and inches.

But I’ve become THAT food person.

On Sunday I cooked a fridge full of food for the upcoming week. I browned some ground turkey and added chili powder, paprika, garlic powder, red pepper flakes, cumin, salt, and pepper. I call it “chorizo” but of course that’s not what it is. I eat about an ounce of it almost every morning in an omelet with pumpkin seed pesto. I also browned some grass fed organic beef which I use in a variety of dishes, but my favorite is in soup with homemade bone broth, diced carrot, onion, and sweet potato, and a drizzle of balsamic vinegar. The recipe is in “It Starts With Food.”

veggies

I parboiled diced white and red sweet potatoes (yams) and then sauteed them with some Brussels sprouts and kale, a recipe I recreated after having the Sweet Potato Hash at Common Roots Cafe in Minneapolis. They serve theirs with a carrot sauce. I roasted carrots with onion and garlic in olive oil and pureed that with a bit of vegetable stock, but it was so damn good that I just ate it like soup and forgot to drizzle it on top of my hash.

And finally, I spiralized a few sweet potatoes and sliced up a red cabbage because at least once a week I eat a Whole30 Meatless Power Bowl that I found on the Physical Kitchness blog. It is cabbage, avocado, and sweet potato with a soft boiled egg and a dressing made with apple cider vinegar, almond butter (I use the Natural Grocer’s brand that they make in-house because it has no added sugar), and some olive oil. It is the most divine meal you can imagine, and my only complaint is that it’s difficult to get all the good flavors on your fork at one time.

In the past, I would scoff when friends would post pictures of their stacks of “Sunday food prep” containers and brag about the meals they’d prepared. I would turn my nose up at anyone who lauded the health benefits of bone broth, gagging at the idea of drinking warm brown liquid that wasn’t coffee. And while I generally bought good quality foods, I thought organic and grass-fed were nothing more than marketing gimmicks.

Now I am that person who preps on Sunday and shops carefully, and I like this person. I try not to get all social media about it, because I know that I used to be so jealous of people who had the time, energy, and money to eat in a way I thought I could not. But if you want to talk about good food, or come and eat with me, I’m excited to share!

Jonesing for a mocha

14 Mar

Today I felt like I imagine a drug addict feels when she or he wants a hit. I almost contacted my “clean eating sponsor” but I talked myself through it.

For three weeks I have been following the Whole30 plan. I have not had any refined or added sugars, no grains, no legumes, and no dairy. I have been eating a TON of vegetables and some fruits, meats (organic as much as possible), nuts, seeds, and lots of delicious fats. I eat copious amounts of colorful, whole, tasty food and I don’t let myself feel hungry or deprived. I have lost inches (I never measure, but my clothes are loose) and pounds. And the best thing is that I feel good physically and mentally!

But today was a rough day. I was exhausted. It was a busy Monday and I was feeling a lot of stress about work. I left to run an errand at about 1:00 in the afternoon, and as I walked to my car I thought, I need a coffee. I am so tired. I want a mocha. No one would know or care, and it’s not going to kill me.

I got to my car and realized I had left my keys at my desk, so I had to walk all the way back inside and out again, all the while debating about a sugary coffee drink. I really need it to get through this day. This day sucks. I have to pee. I’m so tired. Everything sucks. No one cares about me. No one answers my questions. No one wants to help me. I should just give up on this eating plan. 

I was spinning. I got in the car and drove toward the coffee shop, which was on the way to my errand destination. I started to list options: I can order a coffee and just put heavy cream in it. Fewer calories. Or maybe just a little bit of sugar. I have felt good not having dairy though. What if I felt really gross? And guilty? But no one would know unless I told my friend. She told me when she fell off the wagon. Maybe I should call her right now. 

I finally decided to drive to the store for some fruit and unsweetened coconut/almond milk, which I dumped into an Americano.

coffee-heart

The point is not that I must follow a particular eating plan or that I can have a mocha (or any food or drink, for that matter) if I want to. You’re right, one sugary coffee drink is not a big deal. The POINT is that I wanted it not for its nutritional value (of which there is little) but because I needed sugar and coffee and chocolate to help me cope with my emotions.

One of the benefits of this program is that it has helped me establish a relationship with food that makes me feel less like a junkie and more like a responsible adult who has some control in her life. Does that make any sense? If you’re an addict like I am, you know sometimes our drugs of choice are the boss of us. That’s how food can be for me, and you need food to live, so I used to face many battles daily. Now I just eat food.

I’m done with the Whole30 in a week, and now I have to figure out what will change for me. I’ve read the book, but I didn’t really understand the chapter about life after the 30 days. As you can see, allowing myself to have “whatever I want” is not simple for me, and I don’t want to slip into old patterns just because I can.

If you’ve done this before, I’d welcome your input.

Going out by myself

9 Mar

Single Woman’s 30-day Blog Challenge, Day 9: Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do

This is not weird or funny (as far as I know) but my favorite “single” behavior is that I am not at all afraid or uncomfortable going out by myself.

I have met people who say, “I could never ____ by myself.” Typically it’s travel, go out for dinner, or attend a movie. For me, that is not a problem, and I’m pretty sure it never has been. I don’t feel strange or worry that anyone is making fun of me. I’ve just become accustomed to being alone and I’m good at it.

Here’s what is possibly weird though: when I see an older woman or man dining alone, it makes me SO, SO sad. I assume they don’t want to be by themselves, and I feel sorry for them. I suppose I also worry that one day I’ll be alone and old and some sweet, young lady will feel sad for me.

Going out by myself is not uniquely me, but I enjoy it. Of course I’d like to have a travel, dining, and entertainment partner, but until I meet someone (or invite my friends, which is what I should do) I’m fine being my own companion.

Identifying my mate

7 Mar

Single Woman’s 30-day Blog Challenge, Day 8: Five things that are most important to you in a future mate.

I’d like to put the same thing for all five, but that’s no fun.

  1. Honesty. Here’s the deal, you can’t always tell someone is dishonest. I’ve been burned so badly by a sociopath that I tend to distrust most men I meet online, especially the ones who use flowery language and who say they’re currently serving overseas but are willing to move to North Dakota. No one is willing to move to North Dakota. I’ve had more than my fair share of dishonest partners, so I’m way overdue to fall in love with an honest man.
  2. Time. When you get to be my age, you meet a lot of men who don’t have time to date but say they want to date. They don’t have time (I mean more than two times a month to spend with someone) because they either have legitimate and reasonable family and work obligations or because they’ve overscheduled themselves so they don’t have time to be lonely. So if every other weekend is the only time he has, and one of those weekends is a fishing trip, we should probably not meet.
  3. Alcohol and drugs. No, I do not want my future partner to supply alcohol and drugs. Rather, I want someone who does not use drugs at all and who drinks moderately to almost-never. If a guy often drinks to excess or feels like he can’t have a good time without alcohol or drugs, we are not a good match.
  4. Active lifestyle. When men find out I am a marathon runner and a personal trainer, they think one or more of the following: I will provide the motivation they need to get in shape (I will not), I want them to run with me (I do not), I am super toned and fit and I exercise all the time (I am not and do not). I’d like to find a partner who has an active lifestyle and will share some of the activities I enjoy as well as introduce me to activities I have not tried before.
  5. Snuggling. “Hate” is a strong word, but I am inclined to say that I hate the question, “Do you like snuggling?” Why do men ask that when they are interviewing you? Who would ever say no to that? I actually enjoy being close to someone I care about, but I very very very much dislike being asked if I like snuggling by a person who doesn’t even know my last name yet. So whoever asks me that is out.

You might think I’m too picky and I should lower my expectations. If you have been on as many first dates as I have, I’m willing to accept your counsel. If you have not, how about hooking me up with your honest, active friend who doesn’t drink and who dislikes the word “snuggle”?

Imagining where I would be

6 Mar

Single Woman’s 30-day Blog Challenge, Day 7: Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

futureview

When people ask me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I always want to say, “I have no $^&(%#*\ idea.” I don’t even know where I see myself tomorrow, let alone years from now, and I don’t know if I ever have.

Sure, I used to daydream about my wedding day and write out the first and middle names of all of the children I was going to have with my imaginary husband, but that was years ago. I mean, more than ten years ago.

For much of my life, however, I could not imagine my future because I didn’t want to have one — I wanted to die. It wasn’t until age 36 when I decided to stop drinking and entered a program of recovery that I was able to consider what the future might hold for me, and then I started living my life one day at a time.

I’ll tell you what: I never imagined I would be 45 and living in a small apartment in North Dakota with an antisocial cat (and no spouse or children). I never imagined I would have a job in a car dealership. I also never thought I would be running marathons or working part-time as a personal fitness coach. And I never considered the possibility that I would feel better and be happier and healthier at age 45 than at age 25.

I never thought I’d be where I am now, but I sure am glad I got here.

Sounding off

5 Mar

Single Woman’s 30-day Blog Challenge, Day 6: Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

If this means what I think it means, I’m probably going to need some therapy after I finish posting.

I’ve thought about the idea that I am choosing exactly what I want for some time regarding my most recent relationships. We have established that I do not make very good decisions on my own behalf when it comes to men because I’ve chosen some very awful people as partners, namely liars, sociopaths, addicts. These men have one thing in common: I fell hard and fast for each one of them.

I knew going into my last relationship that my partner had serious issues, and I did not for one second believe he could or would change because of me or for me. What I hoped, foolishly, is that he would feel safe enough with me to get better on his own. Ultimately that was not the case.

With him, I often wondered what it was in me that needed to be with a person like him. I mean, I knew exactly who he was and I chose to be with him. Did I think I could be a savior? Did I believe no one else would want me so I had to settle for him? I hope not, but I may hold such a belief and act on it to my detriment.

I don’t think I want a love life with a partner who frightens me or is dishonest with me, yet I have welcomed men into my life who do just that. Why have I repeated this pattern in my life, and how do I stop it? Perhaps I should meditate on the exact love life I want so I can manifest that guy into my life.

For now, I think I can rest in the fact that nobody wants to date me, with the possible exception of one libidinous oil field worker in Western North Dakota who is overly interested in my undergarments, and at least I can be relieved that I rejected him.