Archive | June, 2017

Celebrating my birthday

19 Jun

For as long as I can remember, I have absolutely and positively loved my birthday. When Cancer is doing whatever it’s doing, or the sun is in it, or whatever is happening in my houses, I feel on top of the world! I am vibrant and joyful and sexy and smart and funny and exciting and awesome every ding-dang day leading up to my birthday. It is, without question, the best time of my entire year.

Birthday Cake 5

But I never plan a celebration because I know what will happen. As the day of my birth approaches, and we move out of Cancer and into Leo (grrr), I steadily deflate until I become a whimpering blob curled up in the fetal position watching Netflix and drinking kombucha. Well, that hasn’t happened in other years but it is possible this year.

I recall experiencing this pre-birthday slump since the year I turned 40, though it may have occurred before then and I just didn’t notice. Everything is magnified when you’re in your 40s.

The year I turned 40, I had a big party planned, and a couple of days before my birthday I canceled it — without apologies. I was a big baby. I was also a mess. Like, I kind of had a little nervous breakdown despite the fact that I had been out-of-control excited about turning 40 for the 23 or so days of June leading up to the cancellation. So, no party. No cake. No streamers or confetti. No 70s songs or even 80s songs. A month later, I invited some friends out for ice cream to celebrate my birthday. Dumb.

You see, I get depressed because I am not in the place where I think I should be at my age, or where other women I know are. And truly, I mean, thank goodness I am where I am! I could not be happier with my place! I have a job I love, I am near my family and able to see them as often as I like, I have good friends, I’m healthy and strong, and I have everything I need.

It’s what I don’t have — a partner and a family — that makes me feel as though there’s something wrong with me. There isn’t. I’m fine. Life is good. But, you know.

This year, I don’t want to let that happen. I watch way too much Netflix and drink too much kombucha every other day of the year. So I’m going to celebrate for a solid week and kick that pre-birthday letdown right the hell out!

At least I think that is what I am going to do. I have to begin tomorrow, so I’d better make some plans.

Loving completely

16 Jun

I have a friend who (I think) loves deeply and completely: her family members including her children and especially her grandchildren, her pets, her significant other, her friends, and her students. She shares a lot about her life on social media, which I appreciate, and recently she wrote about being away from her beloved. Her post made me feel both a little bit jealous and a lot inspired.

If you’ve known me for more than a few days, you know that finding a partner has been and continues to be perhaps the deepest desire of my heart, second only to running a 4-hour marathon. Just kidding. Finding a partner really is my deepest desire. If you know this about me, you also know that I suck at it.

There are a number of reasons I have been largely unsuccessful in this endeavor. It doesn’t take an analyst (I heard a mental health professional referred to as an “analyst” in a 1960s movie I watched last night, and I think we should bring that term back) to identify my issues. One of my problems is that I’m afraid to actually meet people.

I know that’s utterly ridiculous. I mean, trust me, I know.

I get very nervous about first meetings because I’ve had so many of them where I can tell within the first 10 seconds that the person is not at all interested in me, and it just makes for an awkward and uncomfortable hour. Even when I try to squeeze the best out of the situation, it’s still weird when we get to the end and there has to be an acknowledgement that we will never see each other ever again in our lives unless we happen to run into each other at the grocery store, which can certainly happen in the small town where I live now. And then, again, awkward.

Because I’m afraid of rejection, I usually do something to sabotage my interactions with men on dating sites, like judge them harshly for their spelling or grammar or disqualify them because they hate coffee or cats. Then we never get to that “Would you like to meet for coffee or drinks?” stage. A lot of the guys on the dating sites lack written communication skills, so it’s kind of easy to be all judgey and cross them off my list for dumb, trivial reasons. 

I’m doing it wrong. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

After reading my friend’s Facebook post about missing her friend, I thought, What if I loved deeply, everyone in my life, all the time? What if I gave people a chance instead of finding reasons not to like them? What if I were more open and less afraid? I wonder what kind of a difference that would make in my interactions with others.

how-to-honor-love

So I’m going to try this. I’m going to try really hard to exude love, even to people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. Let’s see what happens!