Last night I went to urgent care, not because my need for care was overly urgent but because I’d been dealing with a health issue for nearly two weeks and the medication my doctor prescribed was not effective. And it was a Monday at 8 p.m. and today is July the 4th (all offices closed) so I needed some urgent care.
The nurse asked me the questions they have to ask: is anyone hurting you, do you feel safe at home, have you had thoughts of self harm? I said no (no one is hurting me), yes (I feel safe, except when Melvin is bitchy), and no. The last one was a lie. At the time I hesitated because I was there to get help for something else, but later as I lie in bed my answer came back to me. I have, in fact, had thoughts of self harm the last few days.
I have said before that this thing — affliction, dis-ease — is one I’ve lived with for most of my life. It’s like your arthritis or gastrointestinal problem. Under normal conditions, when I am sleeping and eating and exercising and spending time with people who love me and experiencing life on life’s terms, I do not have an issue with this thing. But at other times, when I am stressed or worried or not caring for myself, it flares up.
Today, and yesterday, and the day before, this thing is on my mind, and it isn’t because I feel sorry for myself or want you to feel sorry for me. In this case, it’s because I feel overwhelmed and trapped and powerless in a situation. I tried to talk about it, but I still cannot let it go.
It’s important for me to write about this because I know other people feel the same and suffer in silence, hoping the thoughts will just go away. We need to be able to share these feelings without fear that we will be shunned or mocked or locked away. We need to share so that we can get help if we need it.
Today I choose not to feed the fear that makes me believe the world would be a better place without me, or that I am powerless, or that no one loves me. I choose to water the grass on my side of the fence. I welcome your help if you can share some of your healing, heavenly water with me.