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Giving thanks

10 May

It’s Grati-Tuesday. I am in a Facebook group of women (there may be men, or people who identify in other ways, but I’m not sure) who support and encourage each other. I used to see posts from Mona, the group’s leader, almost every day, but I have missed many of them of late. Today, however, I saw her post suggesting that we make a list of 15 things we are grateful for — and 20 if we didn’t feel like it. I don’t feel like it, so here’s 20:

  1. I am grateful for my sister, Megan, and her family. I moved here to be closer to them (and my other family members). I cannot express how grateful I am to be able to see them frequently.
  2. I am grateful for the opportunity to play games with and read stories to my nephew and nieces.
  3. I am grateful for hugs and kisses when I leave their house.
  4. I am grateful for my coworker who gave me a hug and told me she loved me today. She even said I was on her top 5 list of favorite people, and I know she meant it.
  5. I am grateful for another coworker who gives me a daily double fist bump.
  6. I am grateful for Charles, my Caribou bourista boyfriend, who makes delicious drinks for me.
  7. I am grateful for bacon. Let’s be real here.
  8. I am grateful for depression and the intense and frightening feelings I’ve been having lately because they allow me to reach out to and truly understand other people who are feeling suicidal.
  9. I am grateful for the friends who know what this feels like.
  10. I am grateful for the Facebook mental health support page.
  11. I am grateful for coffee. That should have been #2.
  12. I am grateful for Melvin.
  13. I am grateful for Instagram because it makes me feel popular, and yesterday a woman I follow commented on my post when I made her turkey kale appel meatballs and said my idea to add cider vinegar and sauteed apples to the sauce was amazing! Squeeee!
  14. I am grateful for my health.
  15. I am grateful that I can run.
  16. I am grateful for all of the teachers I’ve had and especially for my friends who are teachers today.
  17. I am grateful for the YouTube video I watched this morning. It was a powerful message from the father of the young man  who died of suicide last week in the town where my mother lives.
  18. I am grateful for surprises.
  19. I am grateful for laughter.
  20. I am grateful for Mona, who encouraged me to ponder gratitude today.

Trying to get a date

25 Mar

The dating pool seems to have dried up for this girl. *frowny face*


Almost every day I send a message or ten to different fellas on the dating site. They are always witty and in reference to something the guy wrote on his profile. It is rare that I get a response.

And every three or four days, a guy sends me a one-word message. “Hi.” Really? I’m not worth a few syllables? I could be the love of your damn life, and that’s all you got? I finally changed my mail settings so new messages to me have to be at least 50 characters. That’s less than a tweet, for crying out loud.

Recently I had a couple of decent phone conversations with a bald-headed, tattooed drummer who lives an hour away from me. In our first conversation, he asked me if I liked intimacy. As my friend, Darin, says, “They tell you what you need to know.” I wasn’t listening.

He invited me to come down and listen to him play a show at a bar on a Saturday night. I usually am in bed by 9:30, and I wasn’t super excited about sitting alone in a bar (I don’t drink alcohol or soda, for that matter) waiting to talk to him between sets, but I was like YOLO. Then on the Thursday before, at 9:00 p.m., he texted me and said I should come watch a movie with him. At his house. On a school night. I was like, “I’m already in my pajamas” and after I fell asleep he texted again and said, “If you had left when I texted you, you’d be here by now.”

The next day I realized he was asking for Netflix and chill. So we didn’t meet.

I also have been texting with a bald-headed IT guy who is a runner (JOY!), but he just got out of a serious relationship and doesn’t want to date. Secretly I hope I’ll be cool enough for him to change his mind, but it’s a waste of my good, sexy energy to hope for that.

I just really want to have a date, like go out for coffee or food–preferably food–and have a lively and engaging conversation about topics that are more interesting than the weather. That’s all. Instead, it’s Saturday night and I’ll be doing laundry and watching “Iron Fist” with Melvin.

Having an awesome day

2 Mar

Single Woman’s 30-Day Blog Challenge, Day 3: Describe a moment or day when being single was really awesome


Honestly? Pretty much any day. You know why? Because I am a single girl, and I don’t feel bad about it!

I know some of you who know me or think you know me think I’m lying to myself and to you right now because I talk a lot about wanting to find a partner. It’s true, I do want to find a partner and the search for a partner has defined me for much of my life. But that does not mean I hate being single!

Sure there are times that I really wish I weren’t single, like those mentioned in the morning’s post about moments or days when it sucks, but by and large being single is not a bad gig.

No one ever steals the covers from me. If I can’t find my favorite socks, I can’t blame anyone for hiding or stealing or moving them. I don’t have to wait for anyone to get out of the bathroom. Nobody farts or burps really loudly at my house (including me). I am always in control of the remote, though I don’t have a television anymore but I can always pick what to watch on Netflix. I can stick my finger in the almond butter and lick it and stick it back in there and nobody cares. (Don’t ask for almond butter at my place.)

I can go on vacation at any time to any destination I choose and decide at the last minute to change my plans and stop to eat or use the bathroom as many times as I want on my way there and on the way back and during my vacation, too. People in relationships can probably do that, but there is a greater potential for annoying someone in their cases.

I’m very good at being single, and I imagine there are married or partnered people in my life who envy me from time to time just as I sometimes envy them. The grass is greener on the other side, they say, but not if you water and care for the grass on your side!


Managing Melvin

9 Feb

Melvin is going to be 10 years old in March. For the first half of his life, he rarely made any noise that I can recall. Then shortly after his older brother left us for the catnip field in the sky, Melvin became more chatty. Still, he uses his voice mostly to complain and yell at me, and often he makes a sound that reminds me of Marge Simpson when she gets exasperated.

Melvin is my feline companion. Lately he has an anxiety disorder or maybe some pent-up aggression. He gets mad and freaked out at least twice a day. Every time he does, I say to him almost the exact same words in the exact same order:

Boo Boo, why are you so mad? You should not be sad in your heart. You should be happy in your heart! You have food and water and a clean litter box and kitty crack and treats and a warm bed and a scratching post and a kitty condo. You have a mom who loves you and hugs you and kisses you a hundred times a day. You don’t have any reason to be mad!

This week on Monday and Tuesday, I was in a VERY BAD MOOD. I could (and did) speculate about the reason or reasons why, but the bottom line is I was choosing to be angry and I was one hundred percent aware of that fact. On Tuesday night I fell asleep obsessing about an issue in my life and rehearsing the piece of my mind I was going to give to the person I was blaming for a good chunk of my unhappiness.

And then on Wednesday morning, when I was managing Melvin’s morning anxiety attack, it occurred to me that I should do the same for myself.

People in the recovery community often suggest that you make a gratitude list when you are feeling upset or depressed. When anyone suggests that to me, I want to punch them in the face. But obviously there’s some merit to focusing on the positive rather than the negative — in almost any situation.

So instead of feeling my anger, which was wearing me the hell out to be honest, I started to think about all of the reasons I have to be happy. They are numerous, for I am a fortunate, healthy, and privileged person. And wouldn’t you know it, Wednesday was a much better day.

If you ask me for advice when you are struggling with your emotions, I will never tell you to make a list. I will, however, suggest that you give yourself the same comfort you would give a friend, child, or your pissed off pet. I bet you will find your soothing words helpful.