This morning before church, I sat by myself on a bench in the lobby and watched volunteers and staff members gathering. Every time I go to church my heart is heavy. I think it’s because I feel God there and I feel guilty for always asking God to help me. Or maybe it’s because I want to be special and I’m not special there. Perhaps it’s because, until today, I had been trying to make connections and open doors and it seemed that I had been failing.
But this morning I closed my eyes and prayed, “God, thank you for this morning. Thank you for warmth. Thank you for the sun trying to peek through the clouds. Thank you for this community.” Then I added, “God, please open a path for me to meet Kristen today and if you can’t, help me be a blessing to someone.”
I got up and made my way to the large room where all of the volunteers gather for “huddle,” and there was Kristen. I had not ever met her and hadn’t seen her since the first and only time she led our huddle when I was serving as a volunteer. There she was, at the front of the room, taking off her coat.
I took a deep breath and walked up to her. “Are you Kristen?” I asked.
“I am,” she answered.
“And you’re married to Mike?” I had to be sure she was the right person.
“I am,” she answered again.
“Would you have coffee with me sometime?” I asked, my voice trembling, my heart in my throat. I thought I should explain, tell her the whole story. But before I could she said yes and asked my name so she could become my Facebook friend.
I took my place in the circle and we waited for the others to arrive. I felt sick. What if she thinks I am crazy or weird? What if she thinks I’m scary? Can she see how desperate I am, how lonely I feel? I wear it like a tattered sweater, like a suit of armor. I fear it is tattooed on my forehead.
Yesterday I spoke with a friend and asked her advice. “I don’t think I know how to show up in a romantic relationship,” I said. Showing up. It’s a phrase I don’t remember using until recently, and now I am more aware of it — how I show up at work and church and my recovery community. How I show up with my family. How I show up to a first date and fourth date and in every interaction I have with someone who I want to fall in love with me.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing because I’ve never had any practice showing up in what might be a healthy relationship. I know how to swim through chaos and dysfunction. I know how to survive. But I don’t know how to be loved, and I realized that when someone shows an interest in me, I am constantly (I mean in every single waking moment) terrified of being abandoned.
“Are you asking me to help you with that?” my friend said. I was. Was that not obvious? I felt foolish but glad she asked to be sure.
We talked for a while, and she shared her experience. Then she suggested I talk with people whose relationships I admire or would like to emulate. Though I don’t know them well, or really at all, I believe that Kristen and her husband have a relationship like I want in my life. I have seen a photo of them hugging their little boy. It is the absolute picture of love.
So I asked if she would meet with me.
I experienced other blessings today that helped me feel connected and more a part of the community, not just at my church but outside as well. But this is the best part, and it’s connected to my desire to learn about loving, healthy, supportive partnerships.
Today Pastor Mike’s message was about letting God fight our battles. He asked us to pick one mess, one fight, that we will commit to stop trying to fix in our lives. All I could think of was this desire to be in a partnership, the one I have carried with me for probably 30 years.
“It’s not really a fight,” I thought, but it often feels like a struggle. I believe there is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, and when it comes to one of the most important relationships in our lives, I have always thought it was better to search than to simply sit around and hope someone will fall into your lap. In fact, I hate — and I mean HATE — when someone tells me I will find someone when I stop looking.
So if it’s good, this searching and longing, why does it feel so bad?
I decided to stop trying to “fix” this mess in my life, or to stop trying to make something happen. I deleted all the dating apps, and when I was tempted to download one that I thought would be better (i.e. more wholesome than the free ones) I realized I was trying to take back control — less than an hour after I said I would let it go and let God take over the battle!
“When I operate out of a posture of dependence on God, all of the sudden I don’t have to run round and put out every fire. I have the God of the Universe who will deal with that. I am focused on running toward the… woman that God created me to be.”
Prairie Heights Community Church message from Jan. 26, 2020
You guys, this is hard, this letting go. I don’t want to die alone. I want someone to hold my hand at the movies and take me out on dates. I want someone to text me good morning and good night. I want to be with someone who wakes up every day and thinks to himself, “I am the luckiest guy in the whole wide world because Wendi is in my life!”
But I am going to stop. Today. Not because I’ve given up hope but because I’ve given up the battle to the God of my understanding who loves me beyond measure and who wants nothing more than infinite joy for me.
As Oprah says: I can. I will. Watch me.
Being Wendi 